Troia

I met John through Justin.

Justin had decided not to have sex with me
He thought sex might fuck me up
And he was right
So, John stepped in
To get some real damage done
But I did it too
Damage I mean

Justin confronted me
Like what the fuck was I doing
With his friend
But, you said you didn’t want to
What could I do
I need sex

John and I made our way through sex clubs
Through each others bodies
Through our psyches and tore
Out the other end
Like any rocket tearing through steel
Looking back to see if the other was still standing
Then laughing once we said our safe word, “bunny.”
I never used it
When it got scary
I just gave in
A death like this wouldn’t be so bad
Not too scared of that
Only scared of not feeling

Falling into each others arms
like children escaping madmen
Warm and safe
And staring into the bliss
That was the outlandishness of love
We wore hats and costumes and
Fucked each other blind
Getting the white clown makeup all over
The sheets

John liked mid-century modern furniture
museums
Fucking
And cocaine
We got along
Well enough
He could smart-ass better than me
But I was the dirty one
And we wet our pants at the Red Lion
Making fun of the homeless girl
Who always gave me her Geraldine Fibbers cassettes
Offering to lick my pussy
I would have let her too
But for the dirt and the crazy eye

He moved in
No one was working
We just went to lunch and breakfast
On third
Him turning over saucers
Telling me what italian porcelain was better
Me wondering when he’d move out

After three months of that
He told me Troia was coming back
“the heroin girl?” I said
Yeah, and I gotta see if she’s the one
I thought she makes you want to kill yourself
“She does, that’s why” he said
He went through drawers getting the
Cock ring
The vibrating egg
And everything else

I wanted to hit him
Everyone knows you need fresh sex toys
Every time
But he’d just like it
So I didn’t react
Took the keys
And let him out

I cried ‘til my skin looked like an eight year olds
I felt fragile
But I looked good from all the not eating
So, in two weeks I got back up

And went to find someone new
I went to Taix and drank with the bartenders
Or they drank with me
I can be charming when I drink
We shouted stories sometimes
But mostly sat quiet
My broken heart
Prefers silence
Plus what was there to say
An uglier and richer girl stole my man
And now I’m broken forever

I was sitting there for weeks at the bar
Untouched and unloved
But being healed the way alcohol does it
Giving me back my soul
One drink at a time
Reminding me who I really am

One night Troia showed up to tell me she knew I was
John’s lover
“Was,” I said, “you stupid bitch”
She twirled around and chucked a full martini glass
At my head and it shattered into
All those pieces on my shoulder
Down my top

“Let’s do this,” I said
even though she would win
hands down
I didn’t care
The bitch was spun
But I was mad enough to kill

But she only wanted to yell
What was your sex like
What did he do to me that he wouldn’t do to her
So I told her
I kneeled on a pillow
I saw god
He did too
And then we cracked
Under the strain of seeing each other
So fucking close up
What else you want to know
What he whispered in my ear
What names we used
How we dressed up?
But I didn’t tell her
I only told her how often
Knowing no one could match me
I told her about
The time we had to go to the hospital
From fucking
But left out the things I could get locked up for.

I had stopped eating but was still drinking.
Wearing the hot pink skirt and a black wife-beater
With the silver skull
I left her there
“Goodbye you fucker,” I said, “See you in hell.”

Three days later Troia called
“let’s be friends,” she said, “I left john.”
So, I said yes
Wasn’t doing anything else
Plus I like to hang out with my enemies
It’s more interesting that way
You never know when they’ll cut you

She took me to that vintage store on Highland
After seeing my outfit
She needed something to be more like me
Even though my boyfriend left me for her
On the floor to die

We went to Jumbo’s, to Big Foot Lodge
And that one place I can’t remember
In the mini mall
Across from Cheetah’s

I was real drunk
A man came by
To say I was pretty
Troia looked like the devil
If she is in fact a girl
And she had some guy all over her
All of us left and sprung for a room
Doing whatever we wanted
Watching each other when we got bored
Telling secrets
Lies
Emotional untruths
Because why not
We didn’t have anything else

When Troia dropped me off
She thought she knew me a little bit better
But I did not know her
Any more than I know anyone

When John called me a year later
I took him back
Just to torture him
And fuck other guys
Telling him I was too shut down
And various bullshit

One night I said
“you didn’t care if I died.”
I can forgive you, but I can’t trust you

He told me when he went back to Troia
all she thought
About was me
She would pick him up
And drive by my house
Follow the guys I was seeing
To see where they lived
Getting her nails done
Where I did
Buying my favorite shoes
What was my voice like
What did I smell like
What did I eat
Drink
Wear?

She asked about love
But we weren’t in love
I know better
We were just wasting time
In blindfolds
On dirty floors
With sadness neither of us could shake.

Lisadouglass2009