What They Never Tell You

What it’s like is I was in this dream where you were this fucking angel floating up and out all the way up into the sky way up to the ceiling of the whole history of the world. And I go, look Maddie, that angel’s got glitter coming off her in giant plasticine waves of blue and white fluorescent light and Maddie goes, uh huh.

Maddie was naked. Lying on the floor making snow angels in the blanket her old man left the last time he came to hang out here. And what happens is Maddie’s arms go numb and she starts to cry. Crying out JOHNNIE, what the fuck did you do, did you dose me? MY ARMS ain’t working. What the fuck did you do? Only I didn’t do fuck. I was just there staring up at the crystalline angel of death of this reality and thinking to myself, why isn’t she naked so I could get a vision inside of here to finally see how the human female animal works. And I go to myself, no chick who had my heart or I was just fucking let me look up there with a flashlight and it was something I had always wanted. BRAN muffins. Do you remember how we used to think Bran muffins were like some kind of god’s gift when really they weren’t good unless heated and covered in melted butter? Some diet. But, there was just her floating up and above us---that angel chick. Maddie on the floor me on the side of the bed. The bourbon almost gone as and as right then it dawns on my brain that my heart had become this thing. A thing I covered up with mud. The dead mud like Rudolph used on his nose from Rudolph the Claymation one from childhood. Whenever he got around that one pretty reindeer chick his nose would glow out and burn off all the mud. BRIGHTLY GLOWNG. Like he couldn’t cover his true feelings. Remember when he covered that shit to make himself fit in with all the ordinary reindeer and they laughed at him and called him names like BLINKY, fucking BLINKY ON AND BLINKY OFF and it didn’t matter, cause the name stuck anyway even though after the clay on the nose made his voice sound like he had adenoids. Do you remember adenoids? I haven’t heard that shit in a million years.----BUT----then after the mud took away the sparkly shine of my heart, then I put TAR on it. I let the tar dry so it was like this sticky ball of tar heart thing.  And then I put a quick drying glue on it over that and heated it up with a flame thing like you use not when you solder, but when you start a big fire or smoke a hit of crack. Like that. That was what was going down when Maddie had a seizure and her eyes aren’t looking anywhere on purpose, just kind of everywhere at once like as in if she were a fucking crazy person or a retard, no offense to anyone who is. But the angel of death was like talking about this dead cat and how the dead cat was fun to gut but even in the morning or mourning of her twisted guilt she licked the knife. And all of a sudden I call 911 cause Maddie ain’t faking. This is it.  And while I waited for the ambulance, the glittery angel taunted me with all my fears since childhood. Like you aren’t good enough and don’t have the OP shorts, instead you have the fucking KMART shorts cause your mom doesn’t understand how you’ll get your ass beat if you don’t fit in. And the whole time you’re rocking and saying to this angel. Please stop being mean. Just be cool, man, you’re a fucking angel from god and stuff. But angels don’t listen. That’s what they never tell you.