Try Stuff

Meet Brian behind the pool-house. The one at the lake. Let him kiss you. Let him put his hands up under your t-shirt, but not down your shorts. Tell him not to tell. Tell him you’re too young for him. Tell him you aren’t an object. Tell him you don’t like boys with blue eyes. Tell him you aren’t going to be easy to know. Tell him to write you a note and to put in it the things he thinks you’d find interesting. Tell him he better make it good, because you know a lot about a lot. Tell him to talk about you. Tell him to describe you and make it romantic. Punch him. Grab his hands and put them behind his back. Watch him watch you. Let him chase you across the lawn. Slow down so he can tackle you. Kiss him again. Not know the consequences. Fall in love a little. Tell him, no one has captured your heart yet and you doubt he will be the one. Tell him he’s too tall for you. Tell him you like skinny but not too skinny. Tell him you like his hair. Tell him you like his plaid shirts. Put makeup on him. Lipstick and eyeliner. Hate him for liking you. Be scared. Not know what to do next. Leave. Let the phone ring when he calls. Don’t pick up. See him at school but act disinterested. Flirt with boys you don’t care about in front of him. Write his your name with his last name on the end. Think you’re dumb then cross it out. Tell nobody.

Go find Tami. Lay on her floor cutting up magazines for the wall. Wish you looked like the big nosed model with the giant lips that scream sex. Be mad you don’t look like your mother. Be mad your mother doesn’t care that you aren’t going to be a model and won’t pay for plastic surgery. Be mad that she won’t drive you to Los Angeles to be an actress. Be mad you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere without transportation. Be mad that she won’t come see you be a cheerleader. Be mad she thinks cheerleading is dumb. Be mad she hates high IQ’s because hers is low. Be mad that she is skinny and perfect and your boobs are so big they call you Torpedos behind your back. Be mad she doesn’t understand the pressures of your clothes not fitting  because she is a waif. Be mad you are eating all the time and can’t starve yourself like she can. Be mad tami is sexy sleeping with boys but you don’t even know what blow job means yet. Be mad she returned your khaki skirt with cum on it. Be mad at the world. Consider suicide.

Watch your father eat you with his eyes. Pretend it didn’t happen. Stop wearing shorts so nothing gets too weird. Stop talking to him after that. Be scared to be alone with him. Not know who to talk to about it. Try to be less pretty. Try to be less voluptuous. Buy bras two sizes too small to press you down. Cry in the closet because nothing will close over you. Not know who to tell. Start wearing giant sweatshirts. Be sad you’re fat. Be sad you can’t afford bigger clothes. Be mad your mother thinks you are a bottomless pit for asking. Try starving yourself again. Begin throwing up. Paige taught you how. Try on bikinis. Get on and off the scale a bunch of different times to see if the digital numbers change. Be happy when the numbers go below 120. Read the Best Little Girl in The World. Learn how to starve yourself through will-power. The flesh is dumb. Get your friends boyfriends to ask you in dark clubs if you’d consider making out with them, consider it, but say no, rejecting them feels good. Keep that a secret. Be lonely. Start shoplifting with friends. Get caught for grand-theft. Be scared your parents will find out.

Sneak out your window. Go to clubs. Dance and drink peppermint schnapps. Like dancing more than all the sex stuff. Ignore your friends who are experimenting with it. Be scared. Take pills. Be friends with younger boys hoping they won’t love you. Be mad when they do. Change friends. Sleep on the beach. Pass out in the shower. Curl your friend’s hair in the morning. Kill a giant potato bug with a flip flop. Scream when it screams. Wish someone would hug you. Wish someone would say you are beautiful. Wish someone would be nice.