new year's---looking back--the good, the bad and the ugly

happy almost new year people. this year has been hard and glorious. i graduated magna cum laude at ucla after putting off my education for a long time because of not having the money and because i was a musician and thought i would make a go of it.

The Circular Thought

In the morning, I feel sick, it's every day now. I don't expect you to help me.

Then this won't work.

I didn't want it to. You don't have what I want.

A Pink Mansion, A Fake-Girlfriend, and A Lost Cause

The day I left for Santa Barbara, Brett had thrown himself across my car while I was driving. He fell off and grabbed his leg screaming acting like it was really hurt. I watched out the rear-view window until I hit the freeway, and eventually he gave up the act and walked in his suit to our apartment.

Christmas In Los Angeles--The Education

Sante Sangre was on the TV. There was a futon in the middle of the room and a smell I couldn't place. The images on the screen had a young man carving a tattoo into his chest of a giant eagle. He screamed openly. The backdrop was a movable circus, somewhere in a foreign land. By the title of the movie, I imagined it to be Bogota, Columbia, but I can't say why. It might have been Brett told me that was where it took place. I looked at Brett, who was next to me, but he didn't see me, not in the way I wanted him to.

Christmas at the Bar

I was at Tom Bergin's drinking. It was Christmas. Three years away from you. No more pain there. No more fun, either. I was with someone else, but he was in Chicago. I was sitting next to a man who said:

I married her when I was drunk and it's been thirty years. Or something.

I said, I'm with someone new, but it doesn't matter, my soul is still attached to the other one. Nothing I can do about that.

The man ordered us one more round and we split it. It was bass ale. I said the problem is he misses me too, but we went to jail and stuff. He raised his glass and we toasted. He said, to love, my dear. We hugged. A full goddamn bear hug, right there.

He said, I didn't talk to someone who loved me for twenty years. She hurt me. I was getting her back.

I pulled out a little blue pill from my pocket and washed it back looking him in the eyes.

What's that?

Valium, want one?

He shook his head, saying: Sometimes no matter how nice you are, they will hate you for something you never get to know about.

Did you ever tell her?

She died. So, no.