The Circular Thought

In the morning, I feel sick, it's every day now. I don't expect you to help me.

Then this won't work.

I didn't want it to. You don't have what I want.

Look, I told you on the phone we can change the pattern.

But, we can't. I don't want to change it.

Then why did you come?

Because I keep hoping to meet someone smarter than I am. Rumor had it you were.

I'll just tell you, he's a dick.

Duh.

Then, what do you want to talk about?

I want you to give me pills. To make it stop.

But, I thought you were in AA.

Not in the way that you would imagine. I don't get better from doing the same things the rest of AA's do. I did the steps, they made me feel so much worse. I never hurt people, can't you see? They hurt me. I think only pills can help me.

But, there's nothing wrong with you.

As I told you on the phone, I'm consumed with why people are mad at me. They won't tell me why. I want to kill myself.

But I thought you loved this person.

What is love anyway? I didn't say love. I never would have. I'm Scottish. We don't love as much as curtail or obliterate.

Then what do you want?

I want you to help me find a way to make someone tell me what I do that makes them mad. Or made them mad. That way I can learn and grow and stop doing that thing that hurts people.

But, you can't make someone do something. I can only help you not be tortured by it.

Bullshit.

Look, I want to help you.

If you say the same things everybody else says, it won't help. You'll tell me to ignore it, but I can't. It's all consuming.

Then call him.

I did. He won't talk to me. He gets off on causing people pain. It makes him feel better about himself. Only he's so smart and every girl likes him, so I can't see why he needs that.

But, he's sick. Didn't you tell me that?

No, I told you I miss his mouth. That's the only thing I told you.

Tell me about his mouth.

What's to tell, it was just better than the rest of them.

I thought you were seeing somebody new, somebody with a better mouth.

I am.

There's nothing more I can do here.

Look, you can't just send me out there like this. You have to have another solution.

What have you tried?

Ignoring him. Calling him. Texting him. Praying. Killing time with other guys. Getting a new boyfriend. Making out with a girl. Coming to see you. Writing about it.
I'm haunted. It's like that ghost that used to live here is back, only it's him and I can't stop him from talking to me.

What does he say?

He says, you hurt me.

Do you ask him why?

Of course, but he won't tell me. He really does have a beautiful body.

Try volunteer work.

I did.

I don't know how to help you. I'm not as smart as all that.

I see.

I just tell people not to engage with mean people. You keep thinking you can find a solution through the person who hates you.

It's the only place where I will get information not readily available to me.

What does that mean?

It means my phone is filled with people I don't want to talk to. And I won't talk to.

Tell me about your father.

My father loves me and wishes I would spend more time with him.

Then do that.

I can't. I'm still hurt that he never called me.

Then call him.

I tried. I just don't know what to say. I have a broken heart.

Do you talk to him about it?

No, he'll just say the guy isn't worthy. Just write me a prescription. To make the thoughts stop. And I'll go.

I can't. You have no diagnosis.

Then, make one up. I need you to give me one. I'm begging you. Please don't make me cry.

But you already are crying.

You didn't have to say that.