I met a guy tonight. I know he is going to read this and I hope he doesn't get pissed for me writing it, because I just can't help it. And that, my friends, is the answer to why I fight with so many of you. You ask for silence and I refuse.
But, back to the story, I was sitting next to this one guy and another VERY creepy guy had his legs spread out next to me on the other side, he was asking me who I came with, etc. Total Creep. Anyway, back to the guy. He was adorable and nineteen. Told me he used to be a musician and didn't think he had much of a chance anymore. It took me back. It reminded me of when I was nineteen and I thought all my chances were gone. No chance to be an actress. No chance to be a musician. No chance for a boyfriend. Nothing. All gone. It was the way it was. I had done a shit-load of damage. Had lived in my car. Had been in terrible situations. In jail. Handcuffed to benches with prostitutes. Up all night with people doing drugs telling each other who we were mad at and how victimized we all were. Etc. But, I was old. Older than I am now. I can't say why. I wanted to shake this adorable sweet nineteen year old man who was saving me from the creep and tell him, don't be like me. I wasted my whole life thinking I was too old. In fact, when I was 15, I also thought I was too old. Too old to start anything. It's ugly to tell you how carnivorous this one thing was--that weird trick my mind played. It sucked up my whole life. I don't like to talk about it, but hearing it out of this guy's mouth. This beautiful, nice young man with every chance in the whole world in front of him. HIS WHOLE LIFE IN FRONT OF HIM. That's when it hit me. We all feel like that. It is my duty to tell this guy--he can do whatever. But don't rely on it, when you are young you always think you can start tomorrow. Then, flash forward your whole life has passed you by in waiting for tomorrow to start your dream. Tomorrow has to be made into today somehow. I started late. Too late to even tell you. After the acting didn't work out. I mean it did to some degree, if being in class means anything. It means I was hiding. Not that class isn't important. It is. Then, I became a musician. If I told you how old I was when I learned and still played out and still sucked for YEARS, you'd laugh at me. I'm okay at it now, I'm no rock star, but maybe if I had started when this guy did, I would have been. Who knows? The writing, I started only a few years ago. I mean I'd always done it to some degree, but for years, my words lay dormant inside of me never making it to the page or to the human ear. I was too scared to say anything. Too shut down. I'm not that person anymore. And I realize with a heavy sadness, that I may always be penniless, but I am no longer scared to say what is in my heart. Except when I am. Sometimes, very recently, I tried saying what was in there, and someone went nuts. Didn't like my boundaries. Wrote scathing letters tearing me to shreds. I told him to stop, his words were abusive, but again the letters kept coming. You know the kind---the LONG ASS emails, that make you shake your head in their "I'm right and you really hurt me and now I'm going to tear you up mode." We've all seen them. And a few of us have even written them. I know I have at some point done the same to somebody. I know that dude is struggling, damaged and misled to communicate with me further. That he can't help it. That he is being controlled by some chemical imbalance or thoughts that make sense to him only. But, at least he wasn't afraid of being a bully. A terrorist to the spirit. A mangler of intent. I give him that. I've been him before. I have no judgment. Then, in another case, I was too scared, I liked someone who might not like me back, so I said a few things, but none of them exactly honest. I didn't want to be rejected. After all this time. I am still frightened by things that affect my heart. That is bad, I should be most courageous there. I am a coward still. Even if I claim not to be one. I am not scared of rejection with writing. In grad school it's been brutal, but I still pound it out. What truly terrifies me, is not my wasted life, but this guy I met tonight--His wasted life TERRIFIES ME. Please, person who will not be named, don't waste your life thinking you are too old. Play your instrument every day. Don't be fooled by your brain. You are still very young. I am a coward. I can see that now. I still get much more done than most people. But, the truth is there were many things in this life I wanted to do, but I listened to my brain instead. It was my path and much of it was stupid. Please don't be stupid like me. Don't waste your life in fights not worth winning. It's not too late for you, my friend. I promise you with all my heart.
If you could teach a teenager to see the gears in his head that tell him he is too late, too old --- the world would come to a halt.
ReplyDeleteI’m not at all pissed that you wrote about me. It’s kind of flattering actually, though the last thing I probably need is to have my ego inflated any more than it already is. But it wasn’t really about me, so I don’t feel weird reading it. It’s thoughts about your own experience that I’m sure were already in your head, just re-inspired by our conversation. Still, reading it gets my thoughts turning. I feel like I have to write some response, even if only to get my own ideas down on paper.
ReplyDeleteI’ve rarely been the type of person to tell myself “It’s too late for that,” or “I’m too old to start now.” I understand that youth is a blessing. No matter how I choose to use this time, I know I will reap what I sew later on in life. It’s never too late to begin working towards your goals, but there is definitely an advantage in getting an early start on pursuing your ambitions. My sponsor always tells me that, while there are no rights or wrongs in life, all courses of action bring consequences accordingly. I’ve learned that there are two paths through life. One is difficult, yet rewarding, while the other is easy and unfulfilling. My mom used to have a Bible verse hanging on the wall in our house: “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it.” It means a lot more to me now than it did back then.
I’m not religious, but I was raised in the church and I don’t think I’ll ever get the Bible out of my head, despite how much distance I’ve put between myself and the church over the years. I don’t resent my upbringing or any other part of my past. One thing everyone gains from his or her youth is experience. No matter how much time you waste living in dope houses, on the streets, or even behind bars, it’s impossible not to attain some wisdom regarding which kinds of actions bring which kinds of feelings and results.
I feel like I want to do everything possible in life, and although I don’t yet know specifically what I want for my future, I know that there isn't time to be wasted. I’ve always been ambitious, but most of all, I want a long and meaningful life story to share with people one day. When I’m lying on my deathbed, and my life is flashing before my eyes (if that really happens when you die), I want it to be a trip for the ages. But I believe I will have a very full life. I’m amazed at what I’ve already encountered. I’ve been a devoted Christian, and a miserably skeptical atheist; a mama’s boy, and a menacing teenager who’s mother cries herself to sleep at night; a star athlete, and a quitter; an honors student, and a high school drop out; a ballin’ drug dealer, and a broke debtor; a stand up citizen, and a sketchy criminal; popular, and lonely; a picture of honesty, and a guilty liar. Life has been a journey, and all I want is for it to continue.
I know what I need to do. As long as I don’t deviate too far from the direction I’m going, all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other, and the universe will take care of the rest. With each passing moment, you create your own Heaven or your own Hell, right here on Earth. Live in the present and the future will follow.
A mangler of intent.... well said lady !! bravo
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