it's not going to get better---sorry

here's the truth, it's not going to get better.
they always say it will. they think it will. they even tell you it will, because they really, really mean it. but, the truth is, it doesn't. they lie, so you don't hurt yourself or others. they tell you so you don't off yourself. we don't even buy the lie. we know it's a lie. i've bought it too many times, and guess what? it doesn't get better. it just recycles and happens all over again in a different way, in a different form, with a different person, or even sometimes the same person. my friend, or should i say, my one-time, two-time friend, i-made-out-with-on-the-roof-of-the-chateau-marmont said to me that he lies to people for their own good, the truth is too painful, he told me, so he lies. we all do to some degree. how can i tell my friend who lost the use of her legs that it's going to get better, when i don't know if stem research can help her or maybe god will see her and take pity on her? is there a god? how do i know? and if there is, what the fuck is going on. i'm sickened and sad most of the time at the events i see. the actions i take. the harm i cause. how can she say i'll feel better when i'm a selfish, self-centered, total narcissist most of the time? and, how can i stand for the lies we all tell each other in one warm and smelly circle because we are so used to this feeding of a lie to the people we respect and love? i'm just saying. don't write me and say it. it's not true. i've seen the best people go down. die. lose their ability to walk or love and i won't stand by and support it. just be honest with ourselves. it is what it is. a heartless, incomprehensible world with beauty and pain. it has all of it. it has moments that glitter brighter than the eastern star and then moments that make you feel like you're locked in prison with someone with a stomach issue. i've seen it. i know it. so, let's not pretend what happened didn't happen. let's not turn distractedly away and just say something positive. let's open our wretched hearts to what is. we are in it together, even if we can't stand that. even if we want to not be responsible. we always are. the contract of souls is a matter not to be taken lightly.