being a girl

the problem is in not being one.
i am a girl. a woman, whatever. but, i get sick of the stereotypes. how i'm supposed to act or not act. i'm typical though, as much as i try not to be. if i like a boy, i refuse to call. if they say they don't want to talk, i refuse even harder. if i really really like you, you might not ever hear from me. is that typical or atypical? i can't tell. it's just one of my characteristics. although, i do spend a lot of time on the phone with men i don't like. i text them and they text me. it's normal enough. recently, i learned to say sorry. i'm sorry i fucked up. stuff like that. i never ever said it before. i just gave excuses. it means something to me that i can change even though i'm really very stubborn. and usually it is your fault. still, as i grow up, i see that the only chance i have is in telling someone they hold value to me. even if i get rejected. that they matter. that they are under my skin, that i want them to know me. and i want to know them. to be discounted for how i feel is also typical and heartbreaking. this year, i've decided to say what i want. say how i feel. tell the people who matter that i need them even if they don't need me back. it seems weird to even say it. even looking at these words. silence is an answer, but it keeps people hooked to you forever. this year, i make the commitment, to set people free. let them go. let them know that the time i spent with them had impact and greatness in my small life. it is all i can do. i can't force change. i can only act with an open heart. that's not being a girl. that is human.