Why Doesn't He Like Me, Lisa?

I also get calls from girls, going, why didn't he like me? Wasn't I cute enough? Smart enough? Did I bang him too soon or not soon enough or in the right position or it took too long or too short, Etc. Etc.
Here's the Real truth---I sat with my friend, kind of famous for being good in the sack and good in jail, and he told me the real reasons, the ones we all fear are true but never get told because the guys are being polite. His name is not Matt and not Brian and not Gregory and NOT Josh and or JIM (although those are five very good SOLID guesses).

Exhibit one:  Your pussy is too tight. This is the one boys can never say because it harkens back to pre-verbal stage when the insie-dimensions of the pussy-of-the-world---the one belonging to the MOMMY, well.. Yours reminds him of that pussy and he can't have that pressure on him ever ever ever again.

Exhibit two: You text smilicons and emoticons and tell him too many flowery things after he leaves your apartment and before he gets back to the other girl he is fucking. She then looks through his phone and the boy gets in trouble. So he gets FUCKED three times, not just twice like he planned.

Exhibit three: You believed the lie the boy told to get into your pants. It was basically, I really really really like you and even though I have a horrible reputation that all your friends warned you about I won't treat you that same way. In this way, the boy feels he's degraded you and that you aren't that smart. Dumb girls scare boys as much as smart ones do.

Exhibit four: Whenever he looks in the mirror and go: MONKEY! BANG!, you ask him what that means. It just isn't polite to always be asking a dude what everything means. And he doesn't know how to answer you anyway. (See: Exhibit Seven).

Exhibit Five: He likes bigger titties or smaller titties or faker ones or less fake ones or ones with the giant nipples and you only have the tiny pink nipples and he likes the other kind of nipples the opposite of the ones you have. The darker ones or pinker ones or bigger and or smaller ones. (This one can be fixed by painful plastic surgery ONLY IF the dude is willing to tell you his preference--which is very hard to get a person to admit).

Exhibit Six: Your breath is bad, consistently like you just ate a whole plate of salmon. Boys don't like that salmony breath, but are scared to tell you, the only difference is they will fuck you first and then ignore you unlike a girl who if they smell the salmony breath will just think of a cat they once had. (Cat's name: Mittens).

Exhibit Seven: You analyze everything the boy said or did or didn't say or didn't do and you go over it with your smartest friends and your dumbest but sexiest friends and then you call some psychics to see if they can get it right or tell you that very thing that is a match for the answer YOU WANT TO BE true but never is. You analyze it to mean the boy really must LOVE you, that is why he is avoiding you and that is why he said that thing about Mr. Rodgers and that is what the spirit guides mean when they said: HE IS NOT THE ONE (in your mind it still equals HE LOVES ME). Hint which hurts: He's not intimidated or too into you to call. (Hint which hurts more: If he won't fuck you, he doesn't find you attractive---for serious--NO one is going to say out loud--I don't want to bone you cause of your weird NOSE, that's just mean).

Exhibit Eight: The boy didn't like you all that much, he just wanted to see what all the fuss was about and you seemed to enjoy yourself too, so what's the BIG WHOOP? (And you actually did say too much or not make the right sounds during the "special act.")

Exhibit Nine: Cars and motorbikes and "TIME WITH THE BOYS"; and or working too much or not working enough or working on himself---all code for: I DON'T LIKE YOU I JUST WANT TO FUCK YOU AND DISCARD YOU LIKE A FILTHY WHORE but are too polite to say what I want.

Exhibit Ten: Once when the boy was very small he realized he only liked blondes and you, sadly, are brunette, beautiful, but only for fucking not for marrying. DYE YOUR HAIR unless you don't have the skin for it, then MOVE ON.

The boys say sorry they are such cowards, but are convinced that you are cowardly too in too many ways to count seeing how you are the weaker sex only to be used for sex and psychological domination. SORRY, they feel really really bad and guilty but you mean nothing to them.

See: Porn addiction

See: Video Chat Rooms

See: Lying.

Sincerely, boys of the Americas and British Isles (Not Japanese or Kazakstanian boys).