Why Doesn't She Like Me, Lisa? A Tell All.

To all the boys who have been calling me recently telling me that a cute girl dumped them and they don't know why but think they want to know but even as I write this I am doubtful that anyone wants the truth, still I submit the following: 

Exhibit One: Your breath is bad, terrible even and we don't know how to say that thing to you. 
Exhibit Two: Your penis has the same exact dimensions of the one guy that you can never replace because he was WAY more dysfunctional as a lover and we need that dysfunction to feel sad about ourselves and our place on planet earth as the weaker species.
Exhibit Three: You aren't smart but try to be and we don't know how to handle that. We feel scared of dumb things.
Exhibit Four: We slept with your ex wife and or girlfriend and she told us about that thing you did once that you better not do with us but that you secretly hope will get you arrested one day. We actually admire you for doing it too, we think that took balls.
Exhibit Five: We aren't that available but tried to be. There was that tiny window, but then it closed, you were too nice, mean, angry, sweet, horny, not-horny-enough, BLANK, hungry, too skinny, too KAZAKSTANIAN but without the charm, too fat.
Exhibit Six, Seven and Eight: We wanted something different, we aren't sure what, but we'll know it when we see it.
Exhibit Nine: Your voice lacks testosterone and if we wanted a female lover, well..
Exhibit Ten: Your life lacks adventure and seems boring. 
We hope you understand, please forgive us our cowardice but we are fairly certain that you have been a coward too.
See: Ex wife
See: Ex girlfriend
See: Truckstop Bathroom
Sincerely, 
Women everywhere.